Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
