are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
