hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
