he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
