he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
