I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
