I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
