You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
