I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
