don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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