the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
