2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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