like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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