Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
A+ Viking dick
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
