I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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