If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
