dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
