and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
