Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
