Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
