Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
