so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
