I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Duck Duck Cougar?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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