you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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