Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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