i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
be right there i have to get my cape
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
