My first STD was from a foam party
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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