So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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