If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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