Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
