People in love make me want to vomit
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize