he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
