Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dick very happy bro
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
