come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
