I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
