keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
