You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
