id be glad to
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
