Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize