There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
