Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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