I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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