making cat noises will not fix the situation.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
