our cab driver is having phone sex.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize