i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
