She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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