Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
