His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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