I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize