his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
