hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
