Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
