i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So vagazzling was a success
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
