I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize