I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
