I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
