Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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