If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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