with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
