I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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